• theniamhcooper

Tinder is the (k)night...

Updated: Aug 3, 2020

... or, what girls really think about your Tinder profile.

Ahh, Tinder. Tinder, Tinder, Tinder.

Usually for anyone who is single. Or who was, at some point. Or, who behaves as though they are. You know whom I’m talking about. Or, purely, someone who's looking for sex. A bit risqué in these Covid times.

So many people I know have tried Tinder. Some people in their forties have met their boyfriend / girlfriend on Tinder - but say they met in a pub. Some people who know people I know got married, after meeting someone on Tinder.

And some even talk about it.

Some think Tinder is a playground of psychopaths. Some think that suicides are inevitable. This is a direct quote from someone who will remain nameless.

Whether you’ve tried Tinder or not, it certainly is a minefield. Sometimes, it’s just hilarious. And it's the hilarity of some of the profiles, and discussions with many 20-50 something-year-old females about them, that lead me to write this post.

So, if you're male and you currently have a Tinder profile, you might like to know what us females secretly think when we read your self-adulation.

So, here's to you, Tinder-virgin, or seasoned Tinderer. May the following lighten those Covid-heavy days. Or, if you're considering giving your dying dating days a new lease of life, you might want to read this first. Let’s start with the obvious:

Dick pics. This may come as surprise to you. But many many MANY women I’ve talked to, all ages, have received at least several in their life time. Let’s clear this up for the lads:

Read Emma's lips!

No, we do NOT want an image of your member. Yes, we know you have one. No, it does not turn us on. Even less, if we didn’t ask you for it.

Shock fact: Did you know that many teenage girls have received dick pics from guys they know? I find this quite disturbing, and it underlining that we’re living in an era of woman-objectifying porn. Let’s just be clear: Not ONE woman I’ve spoken to likes to receive a dick pic. Not ONE! We don’t randomly send you pics of our breasts, vulvas, or other parts. Vulva, you ask? Well, while we’re at it, we’d best get (you) reacquainted with our bodies. The word ‘vagina’ has been used in vain for years. Google it. There’s a TedTalk on it. But I digress. Dick pics. There ain’t even a term for vulv pics. We don’t do it. Why do you? Why do you think that we might enjoy seeing / receiving / looking at your thing? Are you so insecure / über-secure in your manhood that you have to share it? Is it for our appraisal and approval? Hang your head in shame, your mother would be scarleh'. Go and get that measuring tape, measure it, yourself, for once and for all - in inches and in cms and millimetres - and then - just - drop - it!!! Preferably back into your trousers. And leave it there. Think of the poor traumatised content moderators on Tinder. Or is that why you moved to Whatsapp / gmail / hotmail (the latter might expect it, in fairness)?

But back to Tinder.

  • Most desperate profile (this is really out there!):

‘I’ve sexually identified as a microwave dinner as I’m ready in five mins, and I’m delicious enough to have again if you’re desperate.’

I’ll just leave that there. Ding.

‘Weekend’s away'
  • If you can’t spell the plural of weekends, I’m not interested. Or, maybe you’re telling me that the weekend has just packed up and gone away? Is that your wife's name? And if you have to google ‘plural’ - good, it’s a start.

‘No drama’.
  • I saw this on at least 36% of profiles. Well you poor lil critter. You must have been traumatised by someone perhaps asserting their opinion, which may have differed from yours. Non ? OK. Let’s break it down. Relationships are difficult. They’re hard work. Anything that involves two people requires effort. Whatever your interpretation of drama: that statement puts women off so much, because it implies that you’re not willing to engage with a strong, self-assured woman who has her own opinions. Perhaps some issues. Newsflash: Don’t we all. Don’t tell me you’re not working on at least one demon. No, I don’t mean in a sexual way. Put that ‘holier-than-thouism’ right box in its... box. Preferably together with your throbbing pole. Don’t want drama? Get a llama.

  • A picture of Spider-Man. Gary, 37. The profile reads as follows:

‘Anything else just ask’.
  • Well, Gary. I don’t even know where to begin, you’ve given me so little. Also, I thought Spider-Man's name was Peter. You’ve really thrown a spanner in the works there. Next.

  • Liam, 42, 5ft11. Only one profile pic. A group pic. Are we playing Guess the Liam? You start.

  • OK, how about this one. This one is verbatim from Shay, 39:

‘My favorite trait been that the glass overflows opposed to been half full I speak English, and German fluent. ‘
  • OK then, Shay. You not even speak da English fluent. Let me introduce you to the adverb. Und deutsch? Gesundheit. Exactly.

  • And then there’s Victim Vic.

‘A girl super liked me once. And then admitted it was a mistake.’
  • I agree with her, Vic. You ain’t no oil painting. Ooh, my own shallowness abhors me. But no one likes someone going for the sympathy vote. Left.

‘Anything else just ask’.
  • That’s the most overused phrase on Tinder, IMHO. Don’t start me on the acronyms. WLTM. Not into ONS. GSOH. WTF. Most Tinder profiles are not exactly crammed with useful information. In fact, most are eerily scant. And whatever’s provided often isn’t even right.

‘I’m 46, not 40. Couldn’t change my age’.
  • Ermm, delete profile and start again?

‘You might say I’m into cycling.’ (58%),
‘Love walks on the beach.’ (85%)

The other bastards apparently hate beaches.

‘Love romantic nights in.’ (8%)

Shite hawks. Well that rules you out then. Everyone knows women HATE nights in.

‘Hi, Im Anthony, I’m 36. Anything else just ask.’
  • OK. Where to begin. Oh, hang on, I’m yawning. Your complete lack of effort has put me to sleep. Chocolate, get over here.

‘School of hard knocks’
  • Left. Why would I like to meet someone who’s been through the mill and who’s really really really tough as a result? Hang on, I've a medal in my handbag somewhere. Seriously, the amount of hard knocks on Tinder. I prefer soft taps. Maybe I should date a cat. Or a plumber.

  • Steve, 46, is:

‘Just a normal guy who likes walks on the beach, nights in, a night out in the pub.’
  • My God, Steve. Score! Steve, there's a lot of in-out-in there. Perhaps it's intended. And: Baa. You’re one of just 88% of profiles who loves beaches, and nights in, and nights out, in the pub. Well, if all ye lads were really all just normal guys, why the hell are you on here? OK, normal is relative. I’m definitely not normal. And I'm proud of it. I’ve CNTower High standards (Glass floor at 433feet height - why?), and that’s saying something, coming from someone with a fear of heights. In Tinder’s case, it’s a very real fear of shites. And you can tell a lot by the profile pic.

Profile Pics

One-liners. Guys, they don't tell us much. Sp we scrutinise your pics, as it's often all we have to go by. Do we like your T-shirt? Do you have a 16-pack? If you wear hats in every pic? Does that mean you have no hair?

Speaking of. These are a few flags for us:

1. Pics of you with a pint / bottle / cocktail: really? Do you think this makes you more appealing? Oooh, you drink. Congratulations. You also win the award for the most dimsensitive. Because that rules you out for about 46% of ladies who have an ex / brother / father / uncle / all of the above, who are alcoholics. Or if not: no one looks more attractive with a bottle in their hand. No one. I bet most girls don't have any trace of alcohol in their pics. Some, yes, of course. But I dare to wager that we put a lot more effort into our pics, as first impressions count. Looking for a fellow-lager-lout? Off with ya to Magalou(t)f. Except, erm, not right now, obvs.

2. Photos taken in a bathroom, preferably with the urinal in the background. So, you can pee? Fantastic. Glad your equipment still works. Do I care? Only so far as to say: I hope you put the seat down when you're done.

3. You, topless, usually showing off non-existent abs. Mostly showing off well-existent flabs. Which, if you’re very lucky, we might want to see on a fourth date. Privately. Displaying it in all its ickiness on your profile - it’s a left from me.

4. Pics with just sunglasses - can’t see your eyes!

All pics with all sunglasses: do you not have eyes?

What are you trying to hide?

Are they red?

Do you have more than two?

Are they tiny? It’s similar to what your mother used to say about guys who have beards. You can’t trust a man with no eyes.

5. A guy with a dog. Rarely a raccoon. Why does no one have a raccoon? We'd give you a swipe, just for the novelty factor. Also, there’s hardly a cat. That’s because if you posed with your cat, it would swipe left on your face a few times so you got the message. Your dogs are just too polite. But think of the conversations they must be having about you on Dog-der.

6. A guy with dead things.

I, Hunter Gatherer, bring fish, have willy. Make fire, littal womman.

Erm, gut your own, Wanda.

7. Guys with Playboy / pics of naked girls / nipples (your own or otherwise). Are you auditioning for the dubious accolade of Hugh Hefner’s number one creeper? Congratulations.

You got the job.


8. Unmade beds and bundles of clothes in the background. It instantly screams extra work, another teenager, recipe for domestic disaster. Swipe.

9. Photos with your children in them. You'd be amazed how many of these pics there are. That’s definitely a No. Even if it’s particularly good pic of you - which it usually isn’t - blot them out. Firstly, you should think about whether you want pics of your kids online anyway. Secondly, on Tinder?? If I was your kid, would I like to be the one promoting Dad on Tinder? Oh look at my Dad’s Dadbod. Right. Off with you, Gollum.

So, guys, plenty there to think about. Start deleting.

And ladies, a few last words of wisdom for you:

Enter a gorgeous guy with a chiselled six pack, probably with an exotic name. He is desperate for a wife / to settle down / to have a family. You swipe, just out of curiosity. They swipe back. You're astounded, flattered. He starts writing to you. You write back, heart beating a little bit higher. He returns your message. Then asks you to continue the conversation outside of Tinder.

Stop right there, ladies.

This guy is (probably) not who he says he is. He’s not Ronseal. Probably doesn’t look like the guy in his profile. Nor, sadly, not even like the guy in the Ronseal ad. And, if he’s in a profession or a country that’s hard to track, probably uniformed (soldier, naval officer, somewhere in Africa), then sooner or later, he’ll ask you for money. A small amount at first. He’ll pay it back. Then, when he has your trust, the amounts get bigger. And you’ll never see the money, nor him, again. Swipe left before you get sucked in. Food for thought, is Tinder. Whatever you do, don’t go in with an open heart. More, your gorgeous eyes, wide open. Of course, 100% of all percentages in this post are made up. However, the findings are not. Hilarious and all as they are, the main things to consider for anyone giving online dating in this extraordinarily lonely pandemic era a try:

  • Trust your gut.

  • We tend to dismiss our thoughts too easily: ‘God they sound a bit negative.’ ‘Why did they have to post a pic of his/her kids?’ ‘Their language is a bit aggressive...' But I say: be true to your instincts. If they're like that in their profile, what are they like in real life?

  • If it sounds to good to be true, it probably is.

Now, I hasten to add, many friends, or friends of friends, have been on Tinder and have, eventually, found the guy or the girl. They had to kiss many frogs. Go on many (virtual) dates. It worked out for some. Maybe more. So enjoy. Grain of salt. But be careful out there. You’ve only got the one heart. Don’t risk it for a burning biscuit.

I'm off to delete my profile. They'll never believe I'm 39, anyway.

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