• theniamhcooper

100 Confessions

Updated: Jun 22, 2020

Here they are - the 100 best lockdown confessions. Contributions were sent in from all corners of the world, thank you to each and everyone who trusted me with their confessions. The ages span ten to 82! I have broken them into categories and tidied up some typos but kept them as is other than that. Enjoy!

On love

1. I was on a Tinder-Zoom-date and I hated it. Thankfully I didn’t have to meet him face to face. He wants to stay in touch. How will I shake him off?

2. I HATE my ex. Hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE H A T E haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate him. That’s all.

3. My husband sticks to the rules so much that he reported our neighbour for using their hose. He can be such an a**hole!

4. I know someone who slept with someone they didn’t really know at the start of lockdown – so much for social distancing!

5. My ex broke up with me just before lockdown. I actually was in love with him. I spent the first 30 days of lockdown crying. Then I installed 2 dating apps on my phone. I found him on Tinder. Devastated is not the word. So I deleted all the apps. I’m done with guys.

6. I have moved out of my bedroom. I don't know if my partner and I will make it. I actually hate when he eats.

7. I texted an ex. I was a little bit drunk. He texted back.

8. Some of my friends have loved lockdown. Some are really lonely, and they’re in relationships. Love is hard.

9. I’ve realised during this lockdown that I detest when my partner breathes. It bugs me so much when he sits there in front of the TV and exhales noisily. I see how the divorce numbers will go up after this! I can’t leave him though, even if I wanted to. We have a huge mortgage.

10. I love Tadgh Fleming!

11. Does anyone else hate zoom calls with family?

12. Nobody knows it, but he’s got a secret smile only for me.

13. I love Connell from Normal People. He reminds me of my first crush. Oh yeah, I’m 39.

14. Is Connell single? Asking for a friend. I hate his chain though!

15. I moved in with my girlfriend about a month before lockdown. She’s got a few weird habits. But I’ve realised I really love her. Best. decision. Ever.

16. I’m back living with my parents. They’re actually really really lovely together. I never realised how sweet they were to each other before.

17. I’m in love. And it’s not with my wife.

On life

18. I absolutely LOVE trash TV! I look forward to some reality TV programmes the entire year. From that point of view the Corona lockdown happened at just the right time…

19. Every Sunday morning, well, at least two or three Sundays a month, my neighbours blast their music at high volume. Usually Garth Brooks and “Friends in Low Places” is in there somewhere. It’s to cover up their loud you-know-what. Sheila and Keith [*names changed!], we can still hear you!!

20. I can only sleep if my room is totally tidy and everything is in its place. Then I know that if anything is lying in the middle of the room, it’s a monster, playing dead.

21. I hugged a friend as soon as the 5 km limit was lifted. It felt so good and no, I don’t regret it.

22. I can’t open my window at night, as it’s too dark and scary outside. If I need to open my window at night, I have to ask someone to do it for me.

23. Lockdown was a nightmare for many people. I had my down-days too, but, hard and all as it has been, if I am very honest with myself, it was actually the break I needed.

24. I can’t pass a mirror without glancing at my reflection.

25. I hate living in the city. I’ve been here for four years now. I need to get out!

26. I am so embarrassed about my grey roots that I don’t want to go anywhere, even when I can travel further!

27. Home-schooling was almost the death of me. How on earth can’t I do 1st year maths? Oh right, I had a crap teacher, and now I AM that crap teacher.

28. We saw lots of strange cars around the area and at first I was pissed off. Then I thought well, maybe these people live in tiny places in the city, and if they don’t go out much, then who am I to complain. My brother was really mad and was going to report them. I don’t know if he did though.

29. I’ve found lockdown really hard. All my kids have left the house, my youngest son was 18 two years ago and moved out. Due to different circumstances none of my kids came home when Covid-19 started, and then it was too late. So I’ve been on my own at home and finding a purpose to my day has been a challenge, to say the least. Some days I barely got out of bed. Thank God I have a garden, that’s the thing that’s saved me I think. I never want to go through that sense of isolation again.

30. I am Bridget Jones. I am single, I have put on about 12 lbs, I started smoking again and I was really hoping to meet someone at Electric Picnic. Now that that’s cancelled I think I’ll make blue soup.

31. Some people I vaguely know have been posting all about the meals they’re cooking and the bread they’re baking. LEAVE ME ALONE, PEOPLE! NOBODY CARES!!!!

32. I seriously don’t know how I can juggle working from home, home-schooling AND keeping the place tidy, cooking, cleaning… I am literally going berserk! We have 3 kids under 10 and no child care, it’s a nightmare.

33. Someone I know has been meeting someone else I know since Covid shut the country down. They’ve been travelling at least 10 miles to see each other. I am fuming. But I didn’t do anything about it. Only telling you haha.

34. Would someone please tell some teachers to ease off our kids! They’re really feeling the pressure and the amount of school work is unreal. My son is 9 and he’s cried a few times as he’s so frustrated. The pandemic is affecting our kids, too! F**k home-schooling!

35. My daughter actually wanted to sit her leaving cert. She’s so pissed off.

36. Most days I wear unmatching socks.

37. I actually cried with the worry of the coronavirus most nights in the first two weeks. I never told my partner.

38. I told my friend I’d read all the books she’s read. I’ve not read ONE of them.

39. I’ve taken up knitting but I haven’t told a soul.

40. What is the new normal? I don’t want it to go back to the way it was.

41. I wore the same socks for three days last week.

42. My wife irons everyone’s underpants. I don’t get it.

On jobs

43. I going to stop moaning about my job. I don’t particularly like it, but at least I have one. Many friends have lost their jobs.

44. I lost my job during Covid-19. I haven’t told my parents. I’ve two young children and we have a big mortgage. I honestly don’t know how we’ll cope.

45. I realised that I hate my job. I'm going to resign once I've figured out what I'm going to do.

46. I am a nurse. I am scared going to work every day. I actually hate my job at the moment.

47. I’m so stressed with those conference calls. I actually think it’s a lot more stressful than meetings.

48. I work in a supermarket. One of the big ones but I won’t say which one it is. I don’t see myself as a frontline worker. I don’t want to go into work every day and be at risk. Most people aren’t even wearing face coverings. Why are people so selfish?

49. I had a job secured for the summer. Now how am I going to save the money I need to go travelling? Will I be able to go travelling??

50. I’m too embarrassed to apply for the Covid payment.

51. I did actually wear shorts on a MS [Microsoft] teams call the other day, it was really hot outside. I didn’t get up though.

52. I did that thing on a work call where you have “tea” (whisky!) in a mug and you glue the tea bag label to the mug.

On health

53. We think we had Covid-19. But we didn’t tell anyone. At the start there seemed to be a stigma attached to it.

54. We were all really sick before Christmas. I’m sure we had it [Coronavirus].

55. Covid-19 has had me worried every single day. I suffer from asthma and just thinking about that I could get it has me so stressed, I think it actually triggered my asthma. I worry every day that I might pick it up and I’ve been cocooning more than my 73-year-old Dad.

56. I’ve put on 30 pounds and I can’t fit into any of my clothes. I really need to exercise and don’t know where to start. So I eat some more because I’m so frustrated.

57. Two people I know have lost parents to Covid-19. I am beyond worried for my parents. How would you even deal with not being able to say good-bye to them?

58. I pretend I am vegetarian because my mother in law can’t cook steak to save her life. My husband knows I eat meat but he thinks I don’t eat steak. When he’s away on a business trip I eat steak.

On pets

59. The other day I was after eating dried prunes. I don’t really like them but I was trying to be healthy. Well, to say they made me fart was an understatement. My insides were in knots so I farted at least 20 times when we were watching TV. My husband put the dog out. I couldn’t stop laughing. But I didn’t tell him it was me.

60. When someone was telling me recently that people can’t get puppies as there’s a shortage, and that some breeds now go for €1000+, I seriously considered selling my puppy! They’re such hard work. But I would never admit that to anyone.

61. I went to take my dog out for a walk the other day. I walked down the road and around the corner. I sat in a ditch for an hour. I just needed some time on my own for a while.

62. Sometimes I talk to my cats. Crazy, I know, but it’s true!

On food and drink

63. I use spices that are 3 years out of date. The other day I made a curry. Everyone survived.

64. I drank a whole bottle of red wine on a zoom call. I threw up on my way to the bathroom.

65. I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies and when taking them out of the oven I dropped them on the ground. I dusted them off and put them on a plate. I still feel bad about that. Everyone ate them though. And I said nothing.

66. I don’t like ice-cream!

67. I love chips!

Not what you're thinking, when you hear “Would you like chips with that?” I mean what they call “crisps” in Ireland: potato chips in other places.

I could never understand why, in the land of the spud, crisps used to come in those miniature bags they used to sell in the pub. Maybe they still do. In other parts of the world potato chips come in much larger bags of 150, 175 or even 180 grams.

I love chips too much for my own good maybe. So, I often “go off” them, like some people go off something for Lent. But, when we give up something, for a while, maybe for good, various strategies can be developed. My best strategy for giving up chips is not to buy them or have them in the house. Trouble is, yearning for a bag of chips pops up out of nowhere, maybe leaving one drooling. Not a pretty sight.

My favourite strategy is to buy a bag of chips and make myself not eat them, for a few hours, for a day, for a week maybe. But the bag of chips is there! So, I tell myself, if I can wait until a certain time, say eleven o'clock at night, before indulging, I am practicing self-restraint. I am being good. And being good must be rewarded. What better way... Sure, you know the rest.

The next best strategy is to say to oneself, “I will only eat a few, say a third or half a 175 gram bag”. But, on second thought, that sounds a bit piggish.

So, my suggestion is, if you like chips as much as I do, buy a big bag of potato chips and eat only three chips out of the whole bag at one sitting. And postpone this indulgence until very late in the evening, or until tomorrow, or til next week. Let me know how you get on.

68. My mother bakes ALL the time. She’s pretty good but she’s taken to making these little dough balls. I absolutely hate them!!!! They’re far too salty and wayyyyyyy too hard. I don’t have the heart to tell her though.

69. For three days in a row I have eaten a bar of chocolate every day.

70. I have taken to midnight-snacking. It’s so satisfying to raid the fridge when everyone else is in bed.

71. I hate it when my housemate makes curry. It stinks up the whole house. I can’t tell him though. He’s a grumpy f****r.

72. My Dad makes scones and they’re horrible. He makes us eat them. The other day I ate one half but I crumbled the other half into a tissue and flushed it down the loo. He uses spelt flour and it’s just beuchhhhhhh!

73. I am 24 and I can boil an egg and heat up baked beans. And make toast. I don’t live at home so that’s what I’ve been eating during lock down. Oh and apples and cucumber. I tried teaching myself how to cook but my housemates sat me down and told me they’d cook for me. I don’t think they liked my spag bol. To be fair, it tasted a bit like Rachel’s trifle in Friends.

74. Does anyone else hate the smell of fish???

75. I often eat four meals a day cos I’m so bored.

76. I tried to grow vegetables but they died. I bought basil and pretended I grew it from seed.

77. I seriously can’t eat a strawberry since I saw that TikTok video about the worms.

78. Sometimes I don’t wash my mug for three days.

On sport

79. I tell my family I go out jogging but most days I’m meeting my new neighbour a few doors down. We drink beer and stuff. I splash water on my back and shoulders before I go home to look like I’ve been running for miles. I hope they never ask to see how many miles I’ve run. I ran 5K twice so I could show them on my app.

80. My friend has taken up running. He posts all his race times and routes and videos of him running and it’s pissing me off. He’s asking me to like all his posts on Instagram. I really don’t want to. It’s like he’s boasting and I really don’t care if he ran 8 miles today. Just leave me the f**k alone!

81. There’s this couple who pass my house every day at about the same time, speed walking. You could almost set your watch to it. I have never talked to them but they annoy me; I don’t know why.

82. I was so so so mad when I heard so many people went to Cheltenham! I know for a fact people got the coronavirus after.

83. I don’t think darts is a sport. Never did, never will.

84. Walking your dog and not picking up after them drives me insannnnneeeeeeeee! I mean, would you let your toddler poo on the footpath?

85. Is it just me or is it such a relief that football isn’t on at the moment??

86. I think Roy Keane is a bit of a boll**x. Never liked him. Oh ya, I’m from Cork.

Random stuff

87. I have been telling my friends I’m scared of spiders. But I’m not really.

88. I’ve a secret crush on Jacinda Ardern. And I’m married. And I’m a woman!

89. I recently friended someone from a job a long time ago. They’ve turned out to be a raving Trump-supporter and I want to scream every time they post. I need to find a way to unfriend them.

90. Is it just me or is the song ‘Dance Monkey’ by Tones and I utter tripe? I absolutely DETEST that song, and every time it comes on the radio I change the station. That singer has the most squeaky, annoying, chipmunk voice!!!! Worse still, it’s going to remind me of lockdown for the rest of my life! Will you PLEASE stop playing it on the radio????!!!!!

91. I’ve taken up painting. It’s incredibly personal to me so I’m not showing anyone. I turned my spare room into an art room and spent two days clearing it out. That’s where I draw and paint. I don’t let my kids in there, not even my hubby. I told him I’m making him a picture. It’s all a lie and his birthday is in July. I have to pretend to paint something for him now. How did I get myself into this mess!!

92. I was one of those loo roll hoarders!

93. I wipe down all my shopping when I come in the door.

94. I wore the same pyjamas for a week. Day and night.

95. I didn’t really get much done these last 3 months. I beat myself up over it when I see what some of my friends achieved. But then I think well, everyone just did their best. Everybody’s different. But I would lie if I said it didn’t make me feel under pressure.

96. When the oil man came I was dancing around the kitchen in my bra. He saw me. I actually wanted him to. He's kind of cute.

97. Simon Harris is like a little 12-year-old boy. I want to sit him down on my knee and say: “Look, son. The world is a crazy place. I like you a tiny bit more than I did before coronavirus. But not much. Now take your hands out of your pockets and wash your hands before dinner. And then I’ll help you with your homework.”

98. I’ve turned into a bit of a curtain-twitcher!

99. My neighbour got a new 20-something reg. Big yoke. Bit shi* of him really, flashing the cash when others are losing their jobs.

100. The other day I put the two clocks in the kitchen back two hours so the kids would think it’s earlier than it was, and we’d get a lie-in.

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